I went to confession for the first time since my first confession when I came back to my faith (8 or so years later). It was awkward and nerve-wracking, and horribly human.
There is absolutely nothing that you can say that a priest has not heard. There is nothing so awful that he can’t stand it. There is no surprise. The humbleness of confession has much to do with the amount of faith and hope that we have by laying out our weaknesses.
If and when you start going regularly it is extremely frustrating to repeat the same sins over and over again. (and again)
Then at some point you begin to recognize the grace that comes with each visit.
And slowly but surely it is easier and easier to resist sin.
The strength that comes with the grace is not instant. It builds.
If you think you might need a longer time, I would suggest to book with the priest ahead of time.
Remember, it is not a counseling session. It is not his job to direct you to betterment. Some priests do some spiritual direction, but many just listen and absolve. They are there for the basics. So it takes much less time than you would think.
When I went back I remember saying “Okay, so I did a search of conscience and I pretty much did everything except kill someone.” I figured the priest would be annoyed. I felt ill prepared. I felt rushed. I felt like every human feels in a moment of raw humility. But he did nothing of the sort. He gently guided me through a search of conscience. And I had a good confession.
Need help? There is an app for that!
Laudate
It is free and has a digital search of conscience for you to look through. It has directions to make a good confession.
OR
You can always tell the priest “I have not been to confession in many years, can you please help me” and they will. I almost always ask for help. It is humbling sometimes, and some priests are better than others at guiding me (since they are, after all, human t00)
There is one scene in C.S. Lewis’ “Voyage of the Dawn Treader” that struck me as to the entirety of what confession is:
“Then the lion said – but I don’t know if it spoke – You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep and I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you’ve ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.” (7.41-42)
“And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on – and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again.” (7.44)
Thank God for the gift of reconciliation and forgiveness.
Pray for me as I pray for you always.
Catholic Momma
Oh Peggy, I haven’t gone to Confession since doing it as a part of RCIA, 10 years ago. It weighs heavily on me that I haven’t gone back, and that I haven’t gone simply out of fear. I’m encouraged to know that you went and were human and had a good confession. Thanks for sharing!
Oh, and that part in Dawn Treader is one of my favorites too
I read a story once where a saint was visited by a demon, and he asked the demon how he got man to sin, and the demon said “When they are sinning I take away the shame.” When asked about preventing people from going to confession, the demon said “That is easy, I return the shame to them so they do not want to go.” I thought it was very interesting.
Thank God, indeed! Perhaps one day you’ll find a regular confessor who will give you spiritual direction as well as hear your confession.